


Cause and Effect

by thesaltydragon, UnfortunatelySux



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Kisses, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self Harm, Thoughts of Suicide, lovely boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-11
Updated: 2017-12-11
Packaged: 2019-02-13 16:03:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12987549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesaltydragon/pseuds/thesaltydragon, https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnfortunatelySux/pseuds/UnfortunatelySux
Summary: Neither Evan nor Jared is doing very well following their falling out. Each week brings more pain for both of them. Then, they find each other unable to avoid a confrontation.





	Cause and Effect

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, thesaltydragon here. I wrote Evan's POV while unfortunatelysux wrote for Jared! This was super long but really fun! 
> 
> pLeaSE check out unfortunatelysux's fic Just Drive! It's a DEH/BMC crossover with Kleinsen and Boyf Riends! It's ongoing and it's fantastic! This could be seen as a prequel to that fic in that this is how that Evan and Jared got together :) 
> 
> ALSO sorry this is a long note but please don't read this if you have any sort of aversion to self harm, suicidal thoughts, or panic attacks!!!

“Fuck you, Evan! Asshole.” Jared stalked off, choking back tears. Who did he think he was? Jared could ruin him! He could make sure everyone found out, he could-

Jared rounded the corner, collapsing onto his knees. Evan was right. He was his only real friend. Sure he talked big game about his 'camp friends’ and how he only talked to Evan for the insurance money, but Evan was the only person who didn't roll their eyes whenever he approached. He was the only one who confided in him. 

Jared knew that the only reason he had said all of that stuff was because he was feeling lonely, he had been upset that Evan was so busy that he never seemed to have time for him anymore. He was still heartbroken over how Evan had so blatantly kissed Zoe right in front of him. He just- He missed him. He missed his attention. 

Jared sniffled, pulling his knees to his chest. There's no way Evan would ever talk to him again after this. He doesn’t need him anymore, that much he had made blatantly clear. Jared took a deep, shuddering breath, unable to stop the tears trailing down his face. He may as well spend the rest of his life yelling at thirteen years old on Xbox Live while shoving off-brand Doritos in his face. 

What's the point in keeping up this façade? He only acted like an asshole because he knew that his real personality was so lame that even Evan wouldn't pity him enough to acknowledge him. He may as well be dead. Jared stops trying to choke down the tears, burying his head in his knees. Fuck, he hated himself.

\----------------

Evan had never yelled so much in his life. He’d never spoken back to his mother; he knew better. Yet, he’d done it in a heartbeat. He’d made her feel like she’d failed as his mother, and he knew it wasn’t true, but he couldn’t stop himself from saying those awful things. 

Evan had also never begged as hard as this in his life. He’d begged Alana not to release the letter, but it was too late. People were already sending hate mail--actual mail in the post with a stamp and a return address--to the Murphys. People hated them, all because of Evan’s stupid letter to himself. That should have been the worst of it. Making an entire family become ridiculed for not being able to care for their son should have been what caused Evan the most grief. But it wasn’t. 

He’d yelled at Jared. Jared, who had been more or less by his side for near a decade. A common denominator in his life. And now that common denominator had been multiplied out. The rational function was gone. All it left was Evan, with no like terms to combine himself with. 

Seeing Jared walk away like that--his arm over his face like he was about to cry, or _was_ crying--was the final straw for Evan. No one was left to support him, and he knew it was his fault. He’d roped them all into his sad invention just so he could get a taste of a normal life. He thought that’s what he wanted. Isn’t that what everyone wants? 

He had to make a decision. 

He was going to confess to the Murphys, but he wasn’t doing it for them, or for himself. He wasn’t doing it for his mother, or even for Connor. For some reason, he found himself doing it for Jared.

\----------------

Jared sighed, rubbing at his face. It had been five weeks since Evan had stopped talking to him. It had been five weeks since Jared stopped speaking out and approaching his 'friends’ of his own accord. Five weeks had passed since Jared spoke to anyone other than his teachers at school. 

Sometimes he would pass Evan in the hallway. He didn't try to apologise, or make him apologise. He would just keep his head down, making a point to ignore the nausea inducing despair that consumed him every time he saw the other boy. 

Jared noticed that Evan and Zoe stopped talking suddenly, he noticed that every day for three weeks Evan would come to school with red eyes. He noticed when Evan stopped posting on the Connor project, and how he seemed to never respond when anyone brought it up around him; instead just nodding his head in agreement with whatever was being said before the subject was eventually dropped. 

He still noticed everything about Evan, even though it hurt. Jared found himself crying a lot more these days, and talking a lot less. He missed Evan, but he knew that Evan didn't need him anymore. So he didn't try to intervene. He just watched, and kept forcing himself to continue the endless cycle of living. 

He just wanted Evan to be happy.

\----------------

Evan just wanted everything to be normal. He’d tried to reconcile with his mother. She treated him like he was more broken than she had before. She made him take his medication in front of her every morning and every night. She spoke to him like he would yell at her, but he never did. Not again. 

Reconciliation with his mother was the easiest, despite the outcome. The Murphys condemned him. Larry Murphy kicked him out when Evan had told them the truth. Cynthia Murphy cried harder than she had when she’d first told him Connor had died. Zoe Murphy wouldn’t look at him. 

They still weren’t the hardest to think about. Evan had hurt them, in the most extreme way possible. He’d completely crushed his own mother. But the person he was most worried about was Jared. As far as Evan could tell, Jared’s camp friends weren’t real at all. They’d been a lie, though nowhere near as drastic as Evan’s own untruths. 

Evan figured himself to be Jared’s only friend. That was over now, however. He’d destroyed that friendship, even if Jared wouldn’t admit there was one. Now there wasn’t any trace of it. 

Evan thought Jared would have confronted him in the weeks following his confession to the Murphy family. Every time he saw the boy at school, he thought he’d say something. He’d expected to be yelled at, or even shoved. But Jared never seemed to really notice him. 

Maybe he hadn’t hurt him as much as he thought he did. Did he want to have hurt his only friend? Of course not. But seeing some evidence of Jared being hurt would have proved that he cared. And Evan wanted him to care. If he didn’t, he was truly alone. 

With each day, Evan seemed to become less like himself. Not the new Evan, who talked back to his mother and made videos of himself to post online. That Evan had been buried. This even newer Evan was numb. He felt more numb every week. Every day. Every time he saw Jared and every time Jared ignored him. 

He couldn’t be bothered to write his letters anymore. His mother must have forgotten he was supposed to do that, because she didn’t check on their progress. He didn’t think he was worth them. Evan knew he didn’t deserve to dwell on the good things that happened or could happen, not after he’d caused so much grief.

\----------------

After ten weeks, Jared found himself becoming reckless. He stopped thinking about his actions, acting out in whatever way his mind fancied. He was desperate to escape the empty loneliness, willing to do anything that came to mind to try and get away.

He did things that he never thought about doing before. He climbed out onto his roof during a storm, laying in the pouring rain and lightning with his eyes closed. He started taking showers so hot that he felt like his skin was going to burn off. He started slipping things into his pocket when he was at the store. He snuck out of his house in the early morning hours just so that he could wander through the woods aimlessly.

He would go for a drive around the winding back roads; often he would close his eyes for seconds at a time, willing the road to shift just enough that his car would drift off of the road and into the trees. Jared had never been one for self harm or suicide. The very thought of dying mortified him. Every time he thought about intentionally injuring himself he felt ill.

But sometimes that didn't necessarily stop him. He did cut at his forearms with his shaving razor on a couple occasions. Never very deep, but enough to draw blood. He never found any form of relief or whatever in it. He just did it because he could. Because no one would notice. Because he wanted too.

Jared's mother had asked him why Ms. Hansen never talked to them about Evan anymore, they asked him if something had happened. He never responded, instead he would pretend that he hadn't heard them over the music blaring out of his headphones that seem to be attached to him these days. 

That's why Jared was not prepared in any way when his mother knocked on his door on the Saturday of the thirteenth week, ushering a nervous Evan into his room before shutting the door and leaving them alone. 

Jared was dumbfounded when Evan was stood at the foot of his bed, not meeting his eyes.

\----------------

“I-I-I-“ Evan found himself in another stammering spell. He closed his puffy eyes and forced himself to take a deep breath. It wouldn’t help the stutters overall, but at least it could help him get the next word out. “I didn’t w-want this year to h-happen this way,” he said, his eyes still clenched closed, his voice raspy, his hands already sweating and in fists. He hoped Jared wouldn’t ask what he meant. He didn’t have an answer. He just needed to say something. It had been too long since he’d spoken at all. He’d stopped after the fifth week. Nothing he could say mattered. He was simply going through the motions of everyday life until the motions decided he shouldn’t anymore. 

His eyes still closed, he waited. He waited for the rejection he knew was coming. Jared would kick him out. He knew it would happen. He braced himself. 

Nothing happened. There was silence. He could only hear his heartbeat. Evan slowly cracked one eye open, hoping Jared wasn’t going to jab it out with a pencil or something. Instead, he saw the shorter boy in front of him, his eyes watching him strangely, as if he’d turned blue, yet his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. 

Evan fully opened both his eyes. He blinked a few times, but he didn’t look back at Jared. Had he not heard him? Maybe his voice was too raspy to understand. This was good. It gave him a chance to change what he said. To say something better. But what? He couldn’t just apologize. It had been far too long. Words were failing him once again. 

None of this mattered, of course, because Evan found himself breaking down. Somehow in his decision not to apologize he’d started crying—hard—and had rasped around three different versions of “I’m sorry” roughly ten times. 

God, he was pathetic. He might as well have fallen to Jared’s feet and begged for forgiveness.

\----------------

Jared was shaking. His head spun. He couldn't process the words coming out of Evan's mouth over the icy despair crawling up his throat. He wanted to say something, _anything_ , but all he could do was blink. 

It wasn't until he saw the tears streaming down Evan’s face that he acted. He found himself launching his body at the tall boy, clinging to him tightly. Evan was bawling, stammering out garbled apologies that could barely be understood through his tears. 

Jared felt like he was dreaming, burying his face in Evan's chest, spouting out a string of soft reassurances past the growing lump in his throat. They stayed like that, clinging to each other in the middle of Jared's bedroom until Evans crying slowed. Once he was no longer sobbing outright, Jared pulled back, looking up at him in concern. 

“E- Evan? What the hell are you doing here? Are you okay?” Jared's mind raced, worry knotting his stomach. There's no way Evan would willingly come to Him, of all people, without a good reason. He had made it perfectly clear that Jared wasn't needed, so why was he here?

\----------------

Evan wasn’t as lightheaded from the crying anymore. He took a few breaths but didn’t look Jared in the eyes. 

“I-I needed something t-to happen,” he managed. “I-I’m tired of pretending e-everything is okay. It’s not o-okay, Ja-“ He stopped. He couldn’t get Jared’s name to come out of his mouth. Not yet. His voice became even worse than before. “I just wanted you to- to hate me already! I needed to _feel_ something!”

Jared’s eye twitched. 

“Hate you? Why the fuck would I hate you? And What do you mean you needed to feel something? I thought that with all the attention and new friends you have you would be bouncing off of the walls with happiness these days. I mean, isn't that why you threw me out like last week's leftovers?” Jared felt himself getting angier, why was Evan saying this stuff? Was he trying to make fun of him or something? Jared pulled away from him completely, stalking away to stand by his window.

Evan finally stood up straighter. His breathing had almost evened out. “I don’t have a-attention,” he started. “I-I have less friends than I s-started out with!” Jared knew he was Evan’s only friend, didn’t he? “And I-I-“ he composed himself, not letting his tears fall again. “I haven’t felt any- anything since you lef- since I threatened you. I haven’t- I can’t feel anything, Jared.” Jared’s name came out like a plea for help from a wounded animal. It sounded desperate. “All I’ve been is- is numb! That’s all I- That’s all I’ve felt. I just- I needed to feel something.” He looked down again, letting the tears fall at last. “Even if- if it was just a rejection.” 

Jared frowned, not looking at him. “Rejection? What's that supposed to mean? Why are you telling all of this to me, anyway? I figured if you were going to go to anyone about your 'feelings’ it would be your Girlfriend.” He spat the word girlfriend out like it was poison. “Shouldn't she be the one to help you with all this? I mean, she must be a pretty Shit girlfriend if she let you get so depressed.” He crossed his arms over his chest, hoping that Evan couldn't see how hard he was shaking.

Evan put his hand on the back of his neck. “Y-you think I’m still- You think- I haven’t t-talked to Zoe since I told them the t-truth! That was months ago! We’re d-definitely not dating anymore!” He turned even redder than he’d been when he arrived in Jared’s room.

Jared gaped, arms falling to his sides. “You _**told**_ them? What the fuck! What the Fuck happened? Does your mom know? Shit! Are- Are you Ok?” Jared's previous irritation had been instantly replaced by alarm and concern as soon as the words had left the taller boys lips. How could he have not noticed? All this time, he should've realized that something had happened. He felt sick as his concerned eyes took in Evan's current physical state. He definitely hadn't always been that thin. When had the bags under his eyes gotten so prominent? 

Fuck, fuck, Fuck! Jared was so goddamn wrapped up feeling sorry for himself that he hadn't even noticed that Evan was doing so bad. He felt the lump in his throat return, making it hard to swallow. He couldn't even look out for the boy he cared about, what's the goddamn point? He's so _fucking_ useless! Why hadn't Ms. Hansen done something! Surely she had to have noticed how pale Evan had gotten, or- or something! 

Evan visibly flinched away from Jared’s sudden movements and louder tone. He maintained direct eye contact with a piece of fuzz on Jared’s carpet. “I- yes, I told them, but- I swear, I swear I didn’t m-mention you or Alana at a-all! They don’t know y-you helped and they don’t know it was Alana who posted the letter! I s-s-swear!” By the end, he’d closed his eyes tightly again. He knew Jared only asked if he was okay out of courtesy. It wasn’t like he cared. It’d be nice if he cared. If someone cared. His mother might, but she still worked late and odd shifts at the hospital. He still barely saw her. He knew Jared only cared about his own reputation. He should be glad Evan didn’t tell the Murphys about how he’d helped fabricate that friendship. 

“Fuck, Evan, no- I don’t care about any of that shit- That’s not what I asked,” Jared’s tone softened when he saw Evan flinch. “I asked if _you_ were okay. I mean, I can’t imagine the Murphys took it _well_ \- I mean, Fuck! They didn’t like, do anything to you, did they? I mean Connor was certainly fucked up for some reason, who’s to say it wasn’t from his parents being bat-shit insane?” Jared ran his fingers through his hair, guilt clawing at his stomach.

“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me? I-” Jared cut himself off as he snapped to his senses, remembering the argument and months of loneliness. All this time, Evan had been as alone as he was. Evan had been dealing with this- alone-- all this time, and here Jared was, being a total self-loathing ass and feeling sorry for himself. Goddammit. Even when Jared was trying to give Evan what he wanted he still managed to fuck it up. Why couldn’t he do anything right?

Evan’s eyes snapped open and fell on Jared’s. “You k-know why I couldn’t tell you!” He regretted saying that the second he heard it come out of his mouth. “I-I mean-” Had Jared said he actually wanted to know if Evan was all right? Did he read that correctly? He swallowed, though his throat was dry. “I’m fine.” He tried his hardest to keep a steady voice, and he succeeded in managing not to stutter this time. Jared couldn’t know what Evan had done to himself so that he might feel something again. He couldn’t know about the hours Evan forced himself to stay awake so he might feel tired, or the meals he skipped so maybe he could make himself hungry, or the nails he dug into his skin so perhaps he could experience pain. Jared didn’t need to know about that. Evan had brought it on himself and he knew that. Every bit of it he deserved and was his fault. 

Jared sighed, suddenly tired. “You don’t look fine.” He ran his hand down his face, pushing his glasses aside. Jared couldn’t keep going like this. He couldn’t keep this stupid self-hatred boiling under his skin. He was tired. He was so, unbelievably goddamn tired. He shuffled over to his bed, dropping down on it with a huff. He took another deep breath, steeling his nerves before turning to look Evan directly in the eyes. “Evan, why are you here? Why are you coming to me? I’m just a piece of shit with no friends who only ever made fun of you. You were right when you said all that shit back then, and I knew it. So, just- please, Why are you here?”

“I-I told you,” Evan squeaked, “I n-need to feel something. I-I thought n-no matter what your reaction was, y-you’d cause the strongest emotion-” He stopped. There was no use trying to explain if he couldn’t get the words right in the first place. Instead, he took a step closer to where Jared sat on his bed. “N-no amount of apologizing can f-fix what I did to you, i-if you care or not,” he said. He rubbed his arm with his hand. “But I-I really am sorry. For- hell, for everything. I-if there’s something I d-did that made you taunt me for y-years, I’m sorry for that, too.” He felt pathetic, but at least he felt something. The way Jared looked at him made him feel tiny--miniscule--in his own mind. Evan began to wonder why he thought Jared would be the one to cause him to feel the most. He was right, but why? Jared wasn’t the kind of person who would care, whether he said he did or not. Evan needed to remember that.

Jared felt disgusted with himself. Did Evan really think that he had been an asshole to him all this time because of something he did? “Evan, You have no reason to apologise. You never did a single thing wrong. It was always me- I have always just been a massive piece of shit to you because I was in denial. Fuck, Honestly, with how I’ve treated you I’m surprised you didn’t snap sooner.” Jared fell back on his bed, staring up at his ceiling. “I guess I always just figured it was better you thought I was an asshole rather than knowing the truth.” he scoffs at himself, grinning tiredly. 

“It was easier to act like I hated you than to try and hide how I was fucking in love with you.” he threw an arm over his eyes, frowning. “Guess now you know, huh? This whole time I was just some dumb fag who was always such a fucking child that they just acted mean to the person they liked.” 

Evan was taken aback by every word Jared said. Of course he needed to apologize, of course he did everything wrong. Jared only acted like he hated him, not- but that was it, wasn’t it? Jared had only _acted_. He was trying to hide that he- “Y-y-you’re what?” Evan’s voice was high and squeaky.

“Evan Hansen, I am absolutely and irrevocably head-over-fucking-heels in love with you. Happy? Now you can tell everyone what a gay-ass loser I really am.” Jared didn't move from where he was sprawled across his bed, arm still covering his eyes. 

“M-m-me?” Evan immediately felt like an idiot. Jared had just said his name. Who else would he be talking about? He only hoped he wouldn’t start rambling. Of course, that’s what happened. Everything Evan said came out in only a few breaths, and it would have been hard for Jared to understand if he hadn’t known Evan for so long. “I guess that makes a little sense, I mean I kind of knew you didn’t really hate me but I dunno, it sometimes felt like you did, and it hurt, you know, but I let it slide because you were my only friend and now we’re not even talking to each other and I think I just realized the reason I came to you instead of anyone else is because I knew you could make me feel happy again but I don’t really know why or how or anything except you just said you’re in love with me which is kind of weird but not in a weird way weird just in a wow haha way weird because I dunno, maybe all this time I loved you too?” Evan, in realizing what he’d said, covered his mouth with both his hands. Through his fingers, he muttered an apology.

Jared felt his entire body turn to ice, tears welling in his eyes. He sat up abruptly, turning to face Evan. He took in a shuddering breath, attempting to swallow down the lump in his throat. “That’s not _fucking funny_ , Evan. I know I’m a dick, but do not joke about this. I feel shitty enough already, you don’t have to rub salt in the wound.” his voice shook as he spoke, arms wrapping around himself. He tried as hard as he could, but he couldn't stop the few tears that trailed down him cheek and he sniffled loudly. His heart felt like it had been shattered, splintering into thousands of tiny pieces that sent sharp stabs of pain throughout his entire body. He dug his nails into his sides as he inhaled shakily, attempting to calm himself before he had a total meltdown.

Evan’s expression changed from one of embarrassment to one of complete concern. He took one hand from his mouth, leaving the other covering it, and reached out towards Jared, not attempting to touch him, but just to get close. “N-No!” He exclaimed. “Why would I- Why would I joke about something like that?” He was hurt that Jared didn’t think he was telling the truth. Evan had long abandoned making things up. He removed the other hand from his face so he could speak clearer. “Jared, I-I would never make fun of you for- for something like this! Especially when I-” he cleared his throat, but his voice didn’t end up sounding any better. “Especially when I feel the same w-way.” He debated closing his eyes again to brace for some sort of punchline or revelation that this was a prank, but he kept them open and on Jared’s own. If he wasn’t sure before--which he wasn’t--he was now. Evan did love Jared Kleinman. 

Jared felt his breath hitch, eyes desperately searching Evans face for any sign that he was actually joking. But Evan remained stern, never breaking eye contact. Jared felt his lip quiver as he let out a shaky breath, raising a hand to cover the bottom half of his face. Jared couldn’t hold back his tears any more as they began pouring out of his eyes, accompanied by a pitiful sob. Jared turned away, burying his face in his hands as he cried. 

Evan thought over the other boy’s boundaries. He’d never been one to shy away from slapping Evan on the back or shoulder or poking him relentlessly, so Evan assumed he’d be okay with him being close to him. Stiffly, Evan sat himself next to Jared on the bed, making sure he wasn’t causing any large movements or noises. He was afraid for Jared. He’d never seen him like this, or crying at all. He tried to be a reassuring presence aside the shorter boy.

Jared pulled at his hair harshly, throwing his glasses to the side recklessly. His body automatically curled in on itself, his knees drawing up to his chest and his head coming down. His breathing was coming is rapid gasps, voice garbled by the tears. “Even after everything I’ve done- the way I treated you-- you still- Fuck, Evan. W-Why? I d-don’t deserve your love, I don’t deserve anyones love. You could d-do so much b-better.” his voice was cut off by a loud sob tearing from his throat, muffled slightly by his hands. His entire body was quaking, sobs wracking his frame. 

“Th-there’s someone better than all of us, J-Jared,” Evan said softly. “D-doesn’t mean I deserve them. I-It definitely doesn’t mean I w- _want_ them.” He ghosted a hand over Jared’s shoulder. Should he touch him? Would that be okay? 

Another sob broke out from Jared. Evan’s hand instinctively made contact with Jared’s arm, and there was no turning back. He put more pressure into it, trying to mimic the way his mother used to rub his back when he was younger and having a bad day. It didn’t feel as nice, but Jared’s sobs seemed to subside just for a second. 

Jared felt breathless, reality finally crashing into him. He did his best to scrub away his tears and clean his face up, finally looking up at Evan’s face.

“A-Are you sure? Like, this is for real?” he kept his voice as steady as possible, not breaking eye contact. When Evan nodded, Jared closed his eyes. His head was spinning, his body suddenly felt warm. Too warm, almost. He edged slightly closer to Evan, gaze never faltering. 

“Really?” he asked, his voice barely a whisper. 

Evan took a deep breath. Jared had been his breaking point. He’d gone to Jared in his times of need several times. He was the one who always got him on his feet again. He knew more about Evan than his mother did, or anyone for that matter. So Evan tried to match Jared’s whispery soft voice. “Yeah,” he said, though he decided that sounded too passive. “Yes.” He was proud of himself for admitting what he’d been ignoring for so long, especially for doing so without stuttering like he always did. 

Jared felt the last of his restraint snap, years of pining coming to a head as he lunged forward roughly pressing his lips to Evans. The kiss was clumsy, Jareds nose pressing into Evans face awkwardly. The shorter boy pulled back after a second, only to be chased by the other boys lips. Evan pressed their mouths back together, giving neither of them any time to think as he worked their lips together softly. 

Evan had only kissed only other person, Zoe, and while it hadn’t been unpleasant, Evan had never found it to be especially amazing either. Kissing Jared felt completely different from kissing Zoe. Jared lips were slightly chapped, and he tasted vaguely salty from the tears that had previously been streaming down his face. Kissing Jared made him feel lightheaded, all thought immediately left him except for one, ‘Jared’. Kissing him made Evan feel warm and weightless, the only thing keeping him grounded was Jared’s skin on his. 

Evan opened his mouth hesitantly, acting off of instinct. Jared responded instantly, bringing his hand up to the other boy’s cheek as the kiss deepened. 

Jared reluctantly pulled back, pressing their foreheads together as they caught their breath. Jared sighed, eyes still closed, before murmuring softly. 

“If this is a dream, I swear to God, I will punch myself directly in the throat when I wake up.” 

Evan pulled back, laughing loudly. He couldn’t help it. It was almost hysterical, manic, but it felt nice to laugh again. Jared’s humor was never the same as Evan’s, but it was familiar. He stopped laughing when Jared’s tone changed. 

“Fuck.. fuck, Evan, I’ve been so alone.” All of the emotions that Jared had been bottling up, the guilt and anger and sadness from the fight, the longing and heartbreak from watching Evan with Zoe, the relief of finding out that Evan felt the same way; it all came crashing down around him. Suddenly he was consumed by a tidal wave of feelings, the tears from earlier returning full force. 

The next thing Evan knew, Jared was clinging to him desperately, sobs wrenching through the shorter boy’s body once again. “Shit..” he whimpered, keeping his face buried in Evan’s chest. 

“I’m so sorry- I’m so- so sorry.” He was repeating the words like a mantra, his fingers clenching in the fabric of his shirt. “Fuck, Evan, after the fight, I-” his voice cracked. “Please, please- please, god, don’t- please don’t ever leave me behind like that again, please. I don’t-” his gasping breaths became more desperate, progressing to the point that his whole body heaved as he gasped for air. “Shit, what is-”

Suddenly Evan pulled away, concern shining in his eyes. “Jared, you’re having a panic attack, please, you have to calm down.” 

Jared could barely process his words, his head becoming fuzzy. He felt like he couldn’t get any oxygen, no matter how much he inhaled. “Fuck, I-I’m trying-” he gasped out, attempting to slow his breaths. Jared had some experience with panic attacks, he’d had to sit with Evan while he had them in the past, helplessly watching him struggle for air. He knew he had to force himself to take deep breaths, but everytime he tried to inhale his body seemed to almost reject the oxygen, forcing the wind out of his lungs as soon as it entered. His vision blurred from both the tears and his lack of glasses, he scrambled for the discarded glasses blindly.

Evan scooched just a hair’s width away from Jared. He didn’t know Jared’s preferences while panicking, though he didn’t want to cause a bigger panic by being too close. He kept his arm around Jared’s shoulder and back, trying to somehow force reassurance through physical contact. He wanted Jared to know he was still there, so he didn’t let go. That might have just been Evan projecting his own needs during an attack, but it could help the other boy as well. 

“Damn, I’m a mess, huh?” He joked lamely in between breaths. Humor had always been Jared’s defense mechanism. He had always made jokes instead of dealing with actual issues, he always thought that his ability to make others laugh (be it at his own expense or at the expense of others) was all that he would ever need to get him through life. It was what he knew. Evan hadn’t laughed at his jokes in a long time. 

Evan tried to laugh again. He knew this was Jared’s way of telling him he’s not okay. Laughing would be Evan’s way of acknowledging that. It didn’t come out like it had before. This one sounded nervous and embarrassed. It may have been because Evan had just realized he’d kind of kissed Jared Kleinman. No, he hadn’t kind of kissed him. It was a full kiss. There was a hand on a cheek and everything. He only now processed what it could mean, but it wasn’t the time to ask; Jared needed a quiet environment so that he could make his body breathe again. 

Jared focused on his breathing, forcing himself to inhale slowly and hold the air in, breaking up his frantic gasps. He let it out in a long exhale, slowly gathering himself. He wiped at his tears with the palm of his hand, sniffling loudly as he pulled himself back together. 

“Bet I look like shit, don’t I?” he muttered, laughing softly. He turned away, sliding his glasses back onto his face and running a hand through his hair anxiously. “Damn.”

Evan’s back rubbing stopped, his hand frozen on Jared’s shoulder. “No,” he said in the softest, frankest voice he could muster. “You look fine.” Although he had ample experience with panic and anxiety, Evan really didn’t know how to help someone else. He usually ended up, like he had been, trying to respect boundaries and do what he knows helps himself. Sometimes it worked. This time looked like it was one of those times. Jared seemed calmer. Evan, though, still didn’t know what to say. He began to ramble again. “I mean, not fine, obviously, but you don’t look like _shit per se_ , just like you’re really tired or you had a panic attack which you did, so that’s okay, and you’re okay, and we’re okay, and everything’s gonna be okay!” 

Jared felt a grin spread across his face as he listened to Evan’s rapid words. He let out a watery laugh, finally turning to meet his eyes again. “You’re really bad at this, you know that?” He laughed again when Evan blushed, feeling exhausted from everything that had happened. “But it's ok, because you're cute.” 

Evan retracted his hand. He blinked a few times, opened his mouth, closed it again, and blinked a few more times. He could only squeak out a noise that could have sounded like a question, but he couldn’t quite hear himself due to the sound of rushing blood in his ears. 

Jared’s smile softened as he watched the blush bloom across Evans cheeks. “I’ve missed you.” He met Evan eyes brazenly. “I missed your dumb stuttering and your stupid blush and your infuriatingly cute face.””

Somehow another tear escaped Evan’s right eye. A laugh did, too. He couldn’t hold it back. He was happy again, save a little confusion. “I- hell, Jared, I really m-missed you, too,” he admitted. It felt good to say that. He’d been holding it all in for too long. Now that Jared was looking better, he could ask what was bothering him. “Wh- what does this mean for u-us?” He inhaled slowly and exhaled in half that time. 

Jared gave him an uncharacteristically nervous smile. He shrugged, face turning pink. “It means whatever you want it too, I guess.” He shifted anxiously, not meeting Evans eyes. “I’m not going to force you to do anything you don’t want… so, y’know, if you don’t want to, like, _date_ or whatever, that’s fine.” he huffed out a soft laugh, fidgeting with his fingers, “I’m starting to sound like you, what the hell?” He goes quiet, waiting for Evan to make a decision about what their relationship would be after this.

Evan laughed again; Jared’s strange cackling laughter was contagious. “I-it sounds like _you_ want t-to,” he said, then paused. “I-if I’m not reading that w-wrong!” He wished he could get control over his voice, but his energy was going into making his heartbeat faster with every time he looked Jared in the eyes. “I-I hope I’m not,” he muttered. He decided he wanted this—Jared, that is. It had been a day full of realization and tears, and it was all nice to feel again, but Evan wanted it to be over. He needed to sleep without feeling like waking up doesn’t matter. With Jared, he thought he could finally do that. 

Jared scoffed, “Of course I do, dumbass. I already told you that I’m completely goddamn head over heels for you. I just don’t want things to be like they were before, with all of the stupid ‘family friends’ shit. I want you to be the one who chooses the label we use.” he gave evan a sideways glance, still not entirely meeting his eyes. “I don’t want us to ever be like we were. I want- I want you to be happy. Preferably with me, if that’s what you want.” he added the last part on as an afterthought, attempting to soften the serious atmosphere by using a joking tone as he did.

Evan knew Jared said something after he looked at him like he was illegal, but he wasn’t listening. He was caught up in what he’d said just before. That he could choose the label they’d use. He was very aware of what he wanted. It was time to say it. With all the control he could muster, Evan spoke. “Could we be boyfriends?” he asked clearly and calmly. He’d be proud of that later. 

Jared’s heart stuttered in his chest and he was unable to stop the wide grin from spreading across his face. He placed his hand on top of Evan’s lightly, taking a deep breath to calm his racing heart. “I think I would be very okay with being the boyfriend of the wonderfully amazing Evan Hansen.” 

Evan made direct eye contact with Jared, knowing his eyes were still red and watery. He must have looked pathetic, but somehow it felt like Jared didn’t mind. He’d called him _wonderful_ and _amazing_ in the same sentence. For the first truly good thing Evan felt in a long time, that had been fantastic. “You mean that?” Evan squeaked. “For real?” 

Jared gave him the most sincere smile he could manage, nodding. “Of course. Why wouldn’t I want to be _boyfriends_ with you? I mean, you’re beautiful, and nice… and perfect.” Jared felt like he could watch the way Evan blushed at the slightest comment for forever. And, if Evan allowed him, he planned to do just that. Now that he finally had him, he didn’t want to lose him again. 

Evan must have been a deep shade of red. He felt hot, and with each compliment from Jared’s mouth, he felt hotter. He really didn’t know what to say to that. Even rambling couldn’t save him this time. He picked up the hand that wasn’t covered by Jared’s and shakily placed it on the other boy’s cheek in an attempt to show what his voice couldn’t. He added a smile, which caused Jared to smile wider as well. 

Evan found himself moving closer to Jared. His smile grew when Jared let out a small gasp at his movements. If he couldn’t make his words say what he wanted, his actions were the next best thing. 

This kiss was different than the other two. Their noses didn’t clash; Evan had tilted his head correctly this time. Jared’s glasses weren’t in the way, and their teeth didn’t clank. With Evan’s soft fingers on Jared’s face, their lips were equally soft together. They both had their eyes closed, taking everything in. Jared’s free hand moved to Evan’s waist. They stayed like that—blissfully—for what would never feel long enough. Evan broke away to breathe. 

“Does that answer your question?” he laughed.

**Author's Note:**

> i dont know if im allowed to say this but the google doc for this collab is called evn hnsn gets fuccd


End file.
